Funkadelic

I’ve been in a funk for a few days now. More like a week or two. Or three. There are some Pretty Big Things Going On (anyone who may read this please keep Aaron and I in your prayers as we have some big decisions to make) which are stressing me out, my job has been arguably torture, Aaron and I have both been Ridiculously Busy the past two weeks and haven’t spent as much time together as either of us would like (we have a date tonight - yay!), I’ve come to a Not Fun Place Spiritually, and if you combine all that with some recent lack of sleep and a doozy of a bad day yesterday it rolls to a nice boiling frustration that makes me want to crawl under my bed and cry and casts an even more negative light on the last few weeks (ever notice that? How when you’ve had a really bad day you look back and suddenly realize that you’ve actually been having a bad string of days? Weeks? Months? Why do bad things make you remember bad things?).

My Not Fun Place Spiritually/My Torturous Job- Admittedly one of my biggest struggles is my attitude. I won’t get into specifics, but it doesn’t take a lot to trigger me into a bad attitude and I don’t like it. It’s at the top of my list to change. This is harder than it sounds. Sometimes spiritual growth can be circular...like I desire to have discipline, but because I do not yet have it achieving things that require discipline are really hard and I fail at them a lot which points to my bigger failure of not having discipline and then I sit and stew and feel like a failure and it can get discouraging. In the long run my bad place spiritually is actually a good, desirable place spiritually, it is a place of understanding my short comings and how I can’t change things on my own and need God to do it for me, but it doesn’t mean that it’s fun. In the moment it usually sucks a lot. For me in particular it has meant realizing over the last few weeks that I’ve been pouring my heart out and praying and searching and trying to change my attitude as far as my job is concerned - be happier and more joyful so as to be a good representation of the Father’s love. I have failed. Constantly. And while failing I’ve wondered “Why!?! Why do I still struggle with my bad attitude? Why can’t I just feel joyful!?”

My job makes me crazy sometimes. I’m the lowest on the totem pole which means (as is so often the case) that I do more than my share of the work, receive way less than my share of the credit, get blamed when things beyond my job description are wrong and ignored when I fix these things despite having limited understanding of them; my desk is the dump, if there is no one to take care of it, it’s my thankless task to BE SURE IT GETS DONE! This can leave one feeling extremely underappreciated and really low, which in turn leads to complaining, which leads to bitterness, which is pretty much the basis of any effective sabotage on any good mood I may start the day with. Last night at youth group we talked about the things we take for granted and understanding that EVERYTHING comes from God. It sparked a memory of a theory that I have (a common one I’m sure) that when we’re truly thankful for something we are more joyful. Think about it. Have you ever been angry while receiving a really awesome gift? No. You’re ecstatically happy. Thankfulness leads to joy. How could I have expected my attitude to just magically change when I spend every day complaining and frustrated about my job? I treat my job like a burden and not a blessing, no wonder I have a bad attitude about it. And the worst part is that in the economic climate we live in at this particular moment, a steady, secure job IS a blessing. Having realized all this I felt like an idiot. In a way it’s an answer to prayer, a way to help me improve my attitude, I just wish I would have realized it six months ago. I learned (suddenly, apparently) that a joyful attitude is contingent on how grateful for your blessings you are (man typing that it sounds so simplistic how could I have NOT gotten it?), and I am learning that I need to just let the little things go, be a faithful cup bearer, and do what I’m asked to do without expectation of thanks. I realize it’s been 24 hours, but you wouldn’t believe the difference I can feel. It’s pretty awesome. God is good.

As far as the other stuff - Pretty Big Things Going On, Doozy of a Bad Day, Being Ridiculously Busy - that’s the sort of stuff I have no control over. Like I said Aaron and I are going on a date tonight, just to Caribou to play some games, but still. Yay. And the Pretty Big Things Going On are things I can’t yet talk about in a public forum (though I’m not sure how public this forum is....) but suffice it to say my poor husband is stressed to the max. There are big changes coming our way any way ya slice it, and it’s up to us which changes we’d like, and that’s a big decision, complicated by the fact that both changes are being met with opposition....ish...like I said, it’s complicated. And my Doozy of a Bad Day....well....they’re bound to happen, right? I am evaluating whether or not some of the parts to my Doozy of a Bad Day will play into our Big Things Going On and the decision therein...but till further notice it was just a bad day. I plan to get some extra sleep this weekend.

Anyway. That’s all.