Hebrews, Swords and Promises

So a couple days ago I started reading in Hebrews. I came to chapter four, verse 12 and stopped.

Indeed the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing until it divides soul from spirit, joins from marrow; it is able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

Mostly this stopped me because I was wondering whether this was a literal reference to the word of God (i.e. - the Bible) or a reference to Christ, who is called the Word in the first chapter of John (vs. 1, and 14 primarily came to mind). I couldn't decide. It paints kind of a scary intense picture of Christ with the first part, but the second part is definitely true of His nature (not that He ISN'T sharper than a two edged sword). I just couldn't decide which I thought it was about. The verse stayed with me and I've memorized it over the past few days, yesterday adding the next verse, 13.

And before Him no creature is hidden, but all creatures are naked, laid bare before the eyes of the one to whom we must render an account.

If verse 12 is only talking about the Bible, then the "Him" referred to has to be God, but grammatically ( I know, I know) that doesn't work. "Him" is a pronoun referring to the subject, God is not the subject, the Word is the subject, implying that the Word is a Him. This made me lean again toward the idea that this verse is more speaking about Christ.

And then I thought: what if it's both.

I started thinking about what this might mean for me, in my own context. Here I am, trying to start the new year right by getting into my Bible everyday and being faithful. But why. What are my intentions? As previously admitted I have some competitiveness issue that I'm trying to address. Is spiritual growth really my only goal here? Or am I trying to best someone? Be a better Christian? A better person? I don't want to say my motives are all bad, I do want to be closer to God and I do want to continue to grow, but if I were to be truly honest with myself, I would admit that partly, I want to be holier than some people. I am competing.

I want these two verses to be the theme of my time with the Lord. I want Him to test my desires against His word and cut out of me anything that doesn't align with Him and fill that place with only Himself. I want to use Christ (the Word) and the Bible (the word) in my quiet times to rid myself of the thoughts and intentions of my heart that the Father can see and is displeased with. I want my devotional time to be a time of surgery and creation, cutting from me the things that are not of God, and creating in me a new desire every day to seek Him and hear His voice, and learn from Him.

So this verse is my theme of my devotional life. I want so much to receive what I read to be the promise in this verse.

Resolutions.Goals.Something

So, I don't really believe in New Years Resolutions. They never get kept. And they are more of a joke. I do, however, believe in resolutions on the whole, or goals, or a characteristic wishlist of sorts. I found this post from a while ago. I like my plan of marking off days I hit the mark and days I miss the mark. I don't know what happened to that. I honestly don't think I implemented it a single time. But I am going to start. It seems like a good way to monitor my efforts and make a genuine attempt to improve. And though it's the new year, I have still decided to remind myself of my spiritual, emotional and physical goals I have set for myself, not as NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS, just as things I would like to accomplish and incorporate into my life in the coming months.

My Spiritual Goals:
1. Competitive Nature - I don't know if it's middle child syndrome, my massive abandonment complex, or just general insecurities, but I have this over powering need to be THE BEST...for instance I need to be the prettiest/best kisser/most fun/most loving girl my husband has ever met/known/dated. Or among my friends I need to be the best friend/cook/wife/worker/Christian; I take things in my life that give me joy and I turn them into an unspoken competition with people who don't even know they're playing. It's not good. It's something I am slowly trying to get control over.
2. Attitude/Joyfulness - I know I've brought this up in the past, I have an attitude problem. I have been in the church a long time and know a lot about church life and how it's run, this tends to give me an attitude about my church. People I work with can get catty and mean or inconsiderate, this tends to give me an attitude about work. The Human Race aren't nice, this tends to give me an attitude about people. But mostly, my own bitterness and anger give me the attitude, and I am (and have been) working on that. I used to be filled with such joy. I am working on getting to that place again. It's slow going, but God has been faithful and is changing me.
3. Superiority Complex - This sort of goes hand in hand with my attitude and my need to be THE BEST. It ends up with me thinking I am better than some people. That's not a very Christian attitude so I am working on changing it, on being more humble.
4. Love Issues - No, Aaron and I are not already having problems, but the first year of marriage is generally the hardest - you're learning how to cohabitate with another human being, and no matter how well you know each other, you're never ready. And in my commitment-phobic, anxiety ridden, abandonment complex case, there are already lots of issues to make things hard. Aaron deals with me very well, in fact one of the reasons I love him is because instead of coddling me and falling for my tricks, he makes me deal with the real issue head on. That's so incredibly healthy for us both and has helped me grow a lot. I'm not all the way there, but I'm working on it. And it helps that God gave me the perfect man for the job. :)
5. Discipline/Work Ethic - Fairly self explanatory. I have a pretty decent work ethic, to be honest, but I've let it slip out of my work life by way of various excuses. I am working on it. And discipline in general has never been my strong suit. I'm working on it. Ha.
6. I Want To Be A Spiritual Wife
7. Forgiveness/Forgetness - I do not forget when people wrong me, and because I don't forget I tend to let it affect our current relationship which means I haven't really forgiven. I am working on that as well. I don't think it would be a matter of pride to say that one of my spiritual gifts is discernment. In a secular setting we'd say I was very intuitive. I am able to see through people very easily. Once I have I don't ever let go of that. It's not really what that gift is meant for, but I hold onto people's faults. It's bad.
8. Feeling of Inadequacy - One of the contributing factors to my competitive nature, no doubt. It causes lots of issues pretty much all over. So I'm working on that too. One of the most devastating effects of abuse is that the abused person ends up feeling inadequate in everything, not lovable, not enough for anyone in any way. It's a very difficult feeling to get over. And though I'm better now than probably I have ever been, it doesn't mean it isn't still an issue. So I am working on it.

I'm under no delusions that I will have all of these issues fixed and totally gone by next January, but it's good to recognize what needs work and to start working on it. How else do you grow?

I have some more typical goals set, exercise, eat better, make two home cooked meals a week for my husband, be a better wife/daughter/sister/friend/Christian/employee, but the first three aren't as important as my spiritual goals, and that last one will come from working on my spiritual goals. So. You know.

In other news, I miss springtime.

One Month

Slack. Not that it matters. I don't think. Or I can't tell. One month also I think since I've read any of the blogs I follow. Hmm..

I am very frustrated in this moment. Which will pass into the next and I'll be less frustrated and then the next moment will come and again my frustration will dwindle. So on until I'm not anymore and simply rambling in my blog until I can't remember what about.

Till that moment may I just say:

1. I wish I knew a Christian, married woman in my age bracket who is in a healthy marriage. I have no one to talk to about marriage stuff. It's pitiable.
2. I wish my single friends would be less uptight about being "the single one" and just enjoy friendships and the friendships made through their friends getting married. My husband and his friends are all nice guys. Stop ducking being "the third wheel" - it's not so bad. I promise not to canoodle in front of you.
3. I wish people could clean up their own messes. I want the people that I know to grow up and to do it in a timely manner and to stop dragging everyone else into their crazy, annoying, mixed up life. A laundry list of problems doesn't make you interesting, it makes you a buzzing fly that must be destroyed.

Alright. So. I understand the lack of grace and compassion demonstrated in the last two wishes. I get that most likely the single friend doesn't duck being the third or fifth wheel because they don't like my husband, but mostly because single girls can be lonely and they don't like to be reminded of that loneliness. Once you have it safely tucked into a corner of your mind where it can't be sensed, it takes very little for it to spring out and a whole heck of a lot to put it back in. I get that. And I understand that I should be sensitive to the people around me who have made mistakes, and that I myself am not done growing up and have and will continue to make mistakes, and that I am supposed to love people through those mistakes, not insist they fix them and don't call me till. I get that too. I am just frustrated.

But this helped.

I tell my husband all the time that he's an incredible man. He scoffs. "I know what's in my mind," is his constant response. Like his thoughts are so terrible, like he really is an awful person and not the absolutely amazing man I know him to be. It makes me so mad. But I understand what he means. Peopel tell me all the time that I am so patient. People see and hear my responses to things and say "How can you be so patient in that situation?" To this I am amazed because in that same moment I am being outwardly patient, inside I am screeching: "REALLY???! REALLY?!?!" And making all sort of heinous, sarcastic remarks concerning that persons intelligence, parentage, and personal hygeine. But this, apparently, doesn't show on my face, and I come across and totally placid and patient.

Which begs the question: am I really being patient? If I'm not making the person I'm dealing with feel like they are an inconvenience, and they don't know how frustrated and irritated I feel, is that as good as if I, in my heart, felt the way I acted?

Hopefully this scenario happens less than I think and in reality I am a patient person who occassionally loses her patience and lets her mind slip into cold brutality for a minute before regaining her composure.....

But since I rarely feel bad about those slips, I think it's more likely I just have a good facade.

::sigh::

Still a long ways to go.