Gospel Bill Sang This Song

This isn't going to be long, mostly because I am stressed and tired and overwhelmed.

Today we took my car to get the front two quick strut assemblies replaced. Only it turns out it's going to be about $1000 more expensive than we were anticipating. This cost jump means a lot for us because, forgetting for a moment that we don't have the money to do that at the moment, it's simply not worth it. The car has sort of been sucking money from me for a while now and we both sort of feel like why put another $1400+ into it when so much keeps going wrong with it and for double that we could get a decent used car. We took my car home and are currently waiting because if we don't have $1400 to fix my car, we certainly don't have $3000 to get a new(ish) one.

It's entirely stressful and incredibly overwhelming. But not just because of the car. The issues with the car and the stress over what this means for me and my little family are kind of icing on the cake-o-pain. It's been a very long difficult year with far more downs than ups. It's been a defining year, the kind of time in your life that makes you wake up realizing that the buck stops with you. You're the grown up. But more than that, it's been the kind divisive, painful year that makes you feel a little orphaned. And that's a lot of reality to face (especially with the pregnancy hormones, haha). I love my husband, and I'm excited about our family and the baby. I can't wait to pass on traditions and start our own. But a big part of why I can't wait to create this family is because this has been the kind of year that makes me feel like I don't have one.

I'm not trying to hurt anyone in my family. But I don't think anyone in my family would disagree with me when I say that at this moment we are still mid painful transition. We don't look like a family. I'm not saying we never will again or that we won't figure it out and come out the other side of all this, or that I don't love anyone in my family, or know that they love me. But right now I could use somewhere to turn, a family environment to feel safe in, to yes, feel like the kid in. And at the moment that just doesn't exist. Which makes something as truly inconsequential as needing a car way, way more stressful (again, the hormones don't help, hah).

I've been on youtube all morning listening to various worship songs trying to find to get some peace and perspective and feel comfort. I ran across a newer version of an old song called "I Exalt Thee". As I was listening to it I started thinking about how so often we use worship for ourselves, we use it to comfort and console our own hearts. And there's nothing really wrong with that, the Lord wants to comfort us and to be our solace and give us peace. But I started wondering how often I turn to worship just as earnestly simply to exalt God, with no intention of getting something out of it for me. The answer made me feel pretty lame. I played the song over and over and just listened to it for a long time, trying to focus on exalting the Lord. Because I don't ever want to be someone who only uses God as a kleenex box or a teddy bear. I want to exalt the Lord. I want to be someone who praises God simply so he knows I am thinking about Him, appreciating Him and His creation and all He has done.

Interestingly enough after I spent some time singing this simple song, this straightforward message of adoration and appreciation, I did feel solace.

Baby, Baby, Baby, Oooooh

Hi-de-ho Ranger Joe. I don't remember where that's from but it's from something.

Brief two part update:

#1. Had a doctors appointment today that was full of good news. I am doing so well that the doctor pushed back the induction! Instead of being induced at week 37, my doctor is scheduling the induction for week 39! Which is good. As much time as Gabriel has to grow is good. A lot happens in the last few weeks so for him to get an extra two weeks is def a good thing! So for those keeping score that means instead of being induced somewhere between April 11th and April 15th, I will be induced somewhere between April 25th and April 29th. My doctor is scheduling and will let me know the exact date later this week. The reason they are moving back the induction is that I am doing really well. My blood pressure has been steady, in fact, with the occasional exception, it stays within a range considered normal for a pregnant woman (a pregnant woman's blood pressure is a little higher than normal). My protein levels have dropped for real (the read had been in the 290s and is now in the 220s). I have zero swelling and no water retention. The baby is doing great, I don't remember how long he is but he's just at 6lbs (hopefully he doesn't gain too much more before birth...) and is super healthy and crazy active. No really, I'm starting to get worried. He's going to be difficult to keep up with. So these are all great things that led to the decision by the doc. This means that if I do go to AC I will not be toting a baby around, I will just be incredibly, ridiculously pregnant. Hah. And it means that I'm not going to be able to see Mark Batterson speak which is just so sad. I will literally be having a baby while he is here so, next time I guess. So those of you making travel arrangements adjust your plan accordingly. And please clear your plan with me.

Speaking of plans for visitors, lets move on to part #2. Which is just a few helpful hints for family members (or anyone really) planning to visit us in the hospital. First, please call or text Aaron to let us know when you're hoping to stop by. Just for the convenience of everyone. We would love visitors and can't wait for all our friends and families to meet our son, but it will be the first few days of parenthood and we would hate to have someone pop up unexpectedly as I'm breaking down into tears because I can't feed the baby the right way. Official visiting hours are between 10am and 8pm. And then once you're all set for when you wanna come here's how to find us:

Alexian Brothers Medical Center

800 Biesterfield Rd.

Elk Grove Village, IL 60007

Alexian Brothers has a LOT of entrances. Your best bet is to come in the entrance smack in the middle of the structure. The entrance is marked "West Tower", and is between the Brock Building and the Wimmer Building. This entrance is right on Biesterfield road so you'll be able to see it from the road along with plenty of parking. There is an info desk right when you walk in and you can let the woman know you're there to see someone in Maternity an Labor ward and she'll direct you to gold elevators that will take you up to the correct floor and just follow the signs for where to go. Here's the tricky part. The door to the ward is locked (for infant security, no baby snatchin' happening here) so you have to buzz just like at an apartment building. You'll tell them who you are and who you're there to visit and then when they let you in they will have you put on a visitor pass so that you are identified. Then you come see us!! You'll also have to asked to be buzzed out when you leave, so just keep that in mind.

Alright, I think that's the end of the update. I'm glad I have a few extra weeks to prepare and that the baby has a few extra weeks to grow and develop and all that good stuff. I will go on the record as saying that if for any reason my blood pressure spikes or my proteins go back up or anything starts to look not great they will move the induction back up, but hopefully that won't happen. I genuinely in my heart of hearts believe that the baby and I are doing so well because of all the prayerful support we're getting from everywhere. So thank you for that. Aaron and I are continuing to be blessed by our church family in so, so many ways, but that's another post for another time.

Eat Pray Love

I read the book, it was more a curiosity than anything. And I just watched the movie because, well frankly I’m a sucker for beautiful looking food and lovely scenery. I like things that are pleasing to the senses and a movie shot in Rome, India, and Bali fits that bill. When I first read the book my reaction to it was the same as my reaction yesterday when watching the movie and the truth is, I think I decided to finally watch it now slash talk about it now is because unlike last summer when it was all over the place, the concept , the idea, what the story represents has become very pervasive in my life through the lives of several people close to me. who have all said, in one way or another, that they are having their “Eat, Pray, Love moment”.

That book is one of the biggest lies being fed women today. In so, so many ways.

The most blatantly dishonest thing about the book is that it is portrayed like it’s the product of a journey of self-revelation, and it’s not. It was the INTENTION of a journey of self-revelation. You may not see a difference here, but there is, big time. Elizabeth Gilbert didn’t set out to find herself, discover truths and wisdom and peace along the way and wake up at the end and say “I need to share this with the world, other women need to know what I’ve found!” Elizabeth Gilbert went to her publisher and said “I write travel pieces, I’ve written a book, what if we combine that? I will go lick my wounds abroad and make sure it’s a good read. It’ll be marketable.” (okay so I am making her sound a little more harsh than she probably said it) I am not insinuating the the author wasn’t hurting or in need of time away. I’m simply saying that she wasn’t working for enlightenment alone, she was justifying the advance she received from the publisher knowing full well if she went home the same broken unhappy woman she’d have to pay back that money and lose out on the money she would get from book sales. That’s irritating.

But that’s just technical deception, which at the end of the day isn’t too harmful, just helpful to know and understand contextually when reading the book. The tissues I hold with the book, to be honest, boil down to the same problem: life is hard, life stays hard, and being happy takes work. Not all the time, or even most of the time, but finding peace, loving yourself, and following God is a life long journey. Not something you discover over 10 months and then live happily ever after. Life is a series of happy moments, struggles, victories, failures, tragedies, affirmations and soul crushing days. Every time I go to the doctor and watch as they measure the babies heart rate, the rate at which the blood travels through the cord, his movements, and all that, I watch the peaks and valleys of the read and I think to myself and my son “This is what it’s like, you know, this is what being alive is like, highs and lows, peaks and valleys, get ready for it, look at this graph, this is how it’s going to be. The best I can promise you is that we will celebrate with you at the peaks, and help you learn to cope with the valleys.” And I wish that Elizabeth Gilbert had gotten that lesson.

Divorce is a complicated issue. What I can say is that there is nothing in this life that quitting makes better. There are people in my life who are going through divorce, who are having their “Eat, Pray, Love moment”, and as lovingly as I can, I want to state that divorce requires nothing of you other than that you give up. I hate giving up. Hate it. It requires no work, no real self evaluation, no attempt at bettering yourself. A lot of people would say that that is what Elizabeth Gilbert did after her divorce, but lets get serious, how hard would it be to find happiness living in an adorable apartment in Italy with literally nothing to do other than eat delicious food and hang out with people who are an entire world away from who you are in your day to day life? Who couldn’t find peace if they spent their whole day praying and seeking it out? And who couldn’t find love if you lived in an exotic jungle house, just a bike ride away from blue oceans and white sand beaches and were tall, blonde, and beautiful? How much courage does it take to run away, build an entirely new existence, one that has nothing to do with your actual life, and just start over. Isn’t the more courageous thing to do to face yourself where you’re at, take responsibility for your part in the demise of whatever you’re mourning (your marriage, your job, your happiness, whatever), and find out what happiness and peace and God look like in the context of your actual life?

The truth is there are some interesting things said in the book, the ideas presented aren’t necessarily bad. The idea of finding yourself, learning how to be open to love, learning to enjoy your life, demanding the Lord meet you in your prayers, these are good ways to live your life. My problem with the book is that Elizabeth Gilbert did not live her life this way. She vacationed this way. Whenever we went to camp as kids and teenagers, speakers would tell us over and over to not have just another “camp experience” meaning that we needed to take home what we learned there, to follow through on the way you want to live once you’re back in real life. It’s not just at camp, it’s any time you’re in an intensely focused environment. They say “take this back and apply it to your real life” because the leaders and teachers know that learning how to do something outside your every day environment means translating it back to your every day environment is difficult. And my biggest problem with the book/concept/movie is that there is no encouragement for women who can’t finance an across the world year long jaunt, who can’t do anything other than look at where they are and say “I have to make it better here and now”. There is no accountability saying “when you get back from Italy the same every day struggles and every day downers will still exist and you still have no coping mechanisms for how to handle it other than to run away.”

Let me state very clearly that I am not trying to be judgmental about divorce. Just for the record. When I say that divorce requires nothing of someone other than to give up, I am talking very broadly. Meaning that if you are someone who has or is getting divorced don’t feel that I’m saying you’re a quitter. I’m saying that if you are someone who has or is getting divorced, then mow over your life and rebuild with people or in a place who are not keeping you accountable to issues that brought you to that point, THEN you are a quitter. I know that divorce is complicated and there can be a lot of reasons for it and that it’s painful for all involved and not something anyone takes lightly. And it’s not just divorce that spur people into those “Eat, Pray, Love moments”, that just happens to be the issue the book deals with and the issue that seems to be pervading my life. It could be any life changing complication or bump in the road. If you walk away from a broken situation believing the lie that you don’t need to face your real life, your real mistakes, and can instead hide or start over, then you are a quitter. And this book makes it okay. It says “hey, run away, be indulgent, don’t worry about reality, make your own new reality where you don’t face any of the same struggles so have no idea how to deal with them when faced with them again” And that’s so incredibly sad.

I like the aesthetically pleasing. I like the sensory indulgent. I am easily manipulated. I find myself cheering for the author as she slurps up spaghetti, carbing her way to self love. I am envious of her travels, of her ability to up and go. Envious, even, of her ability to forget about her reality and jaunt across the world on her own with no one to answer to but herself. But in my heart I know something so firmly it breaks down my envy and puts in it’s place a deep sadness for the author and the millions of women looking at this story like the Bible. What I know is that there is no solace in running. There is solace in one place, in one thing. Coping with the peaks and valleys life brings is made possible by something bigger than an ashram and some worry beads, comfort comes from a more powerful source than the Italian love of food, and love, oh love. You will have no capacity to love anyone till you understand where Love comes from, and it comes from something so much more breathtaking than a handsome man on a beach.

If you liked the book/movie or find my rant offensive in any way, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to insult anyone. I just wish that we, as people, and even more as women, weren’t so desperate to find what’s missing that we jump all over anything that promises us more. I wish we found it where it really lies. With Christ.

For a like minded, albeit less spiritual view check out this good article.

Rest

Oh my gosh. I'm pretty sure you can reach a point where laying in bed STOPS being restful and starts stressing you out!!

Last Tuesday I had a doctors appointment that I just knew, like felt it deep in my heart, was going to end with me at home in bed. My blood pressures had been pretty high and I was super swollen (a plus 3 for those of you who know what that means), AND when I stepped on the scale (eegads) I had gained 11 pounds in one week. Not okay, even if it was only water weight. Basically what all those things meant was that I was retaining water like a mad woman which combined with the high BP's and climbing protein count meant my doc officially put her foot down and put me on bed rest. I left the office, headed to my job to clean out my desk (I won't be going back once the baby comes), fill people in on the situation, give a quick run down of my responsibilities to the poor person left picking up the slack till they hired someone, and say my goodbyes.

Today, a little more than a week later, I had another doctors appointment. It's quite difficult to believe it's only been a week, I feel like I have been in bed FOR MONTHS. People have a lot of different takes on bed rest. They tell you to enjoy it. The problem is that you can only rest for so long before your body says "Oookay! We're done resting now! We have all the energy we need to! Let's go out and use that energy and do something!!!!" But I can't. I have to stay and rest some more. I appreciate those people who say I should be thankful for this time of rest (and I am) but it's not as easy as laying back and letting the rest wash over you. Then there are people who are like "Take this time to get things you've always wanted to get done done!!!" And as awesome as that sounds, the things I want to get done are get ready for the baby things, things that would require me not being in bed, which is totally not allowed. The other things I could do, like write thank you notes, update my itunes, stuff like that, it's actually kind of hard to get the motivation to do. Being in bed as much as I am can actually be draining. Haha. I know that contradicts what I just said, but it's the weird and ironic truth. Resting this much requires a lot of energy!! Someone I really have appreciated who's been through this twice told me that you just end up sleeping a lot and she's right. Resting this much requires a lot of energy and it's hard to do anything at all, and when you do feel rested you are too amped up and restless to get any of the bed rest activities done! Such a conundrum. Haha.

BUT after all that being said, after all my some what noncompliant behavior, I have great news. The bed rest is working. When I went to the doctor today all the water retention signs were gone. Of the 8lbs I'd packed on due to the water issues I have lost 6 and I had zero swelling and all Gabriel's measurements and scans and reads and such were just beautiful. The doc was actually pretty cute. She was so excited and sounded so amazed that my swelling had gone down so much and that the water weight had gone away. It was very nice to have some good news and have the doctor be so happy about the good news. Hah. My blood pressures are still high and my protein count is still rising (it went from 193 to about 250 - a normal protein count is below 100) but right now both things are still considered stable, meaning they aren't by any means good things, but it's not to a point where anything needs to be done immediately. The doctors are going to continue to keep a careful eye on me, and we're still scheduled to be induced early at 37 weeks, but still, things are good. A successful doctors appointment to me is any appointment that doesn't end with me being admitted to the hospital and having to give birth THAT SECOND (don't laugh, I've been warned it may come to that).

On top of all that doctors news goodness, a wonderful woman from my church put together a meal schedule for Aaron and I, different people from church and our home group cooking us dinner and bringing it over. It's so awesome and such a blessing, I've felt like such a crummy wife for not being able to cook or clean for Aaron and this is for sure such a huge thing that makes me feel loved and taken care of by my church. Our first meal came today in fact! From someone I know to be a pretty fantastic cook so I'm quite excited!!

Thanks for all the prayers and support. I genuinely believe that a big part of why today's doctor appointment went so well was because of how many people I have keeping me and Aaron and Gabe in their prayers. So thanks!

What's Norwegien for Oh Crap?

Uff da.

So. We had a doctors appointment on Monday. Sometimes I feel like saying that should be accompanied by a dark and ominous tune. My doctor is getting worried. I am not. But because I'm a hypochondriac she is making me worried. For the first time in a long time my blood pressure was high while I was in her office. Meaning that normally when they take it I'm somewhere in normal to a little high range. Monday it was in bad range. But even when I do it at home that's how it is, one hour I'll be 118/72 and the next I'll be 148/90. It's irritating that its so random. Anyway. Between that and the protein levels starting to creep up, my doctor has handed down some heavy duty edicts. Last week when I went in I was put on a once a week appointment routine instead of every other week. Most pregnant women, at this point, are still only going to the doctor once a month. So this week started my once a week program, only not so much. Because my doctor has decided that while once a week is going to be fine next week, the week after we need to be coming in twice a week. And every appointment will consist of an NST, and visit, and one of them will also have an ultrasound.

An NST is a Non-Stress Test, where they strap a fetal heart rate monitor around my belly for an hour to listen to the baby's heartbeat so they can see what his heart rate/activity level is like. The weekly ultrasounds will be measuring his physical growth, how long is he, how much does he weigh, how much placenta/blood (yuck) is surrounding him, and stuff like that. The NST's along with the sonograms will tell the doctors how he's growing. The worry with the hypertension/preeclampsia and the Factor V Leiden is that not enough blood would be getting to the uterus, which means Gabe wouldn't be growing as much as he needs to. Fret not. At our last ultrasound and all the ones before that he was a beast. Well not a beast, thankfully, but he was literally right on target for what he should be. So that's good. Nothing has elevated so high that they think that's changed, they just need to be careful and watchful and make sure that hasn't or doesn't change. With this new schedule, if anything changes or seems to not be what it should be then they can act fast. Which is a really good thing. My doctor even joked in the office "A little bit of doctor voodoo for you, we're going to do all this to monitor you and you're going to be perfectly fine and think it was all unnecessary, but if we don't do it something will go wrong." Ain't it always the way?

The doc did say that if things don't look up to what she wants them to be then we're looking at an even earlier delivery (at this point she'd already said she'd probably try to induce at 38 weeks). Which means the baby could be here as soon as a month. Which, you know, is intense. The good news there again is that even at that stage he will be big and strong enough to be safe to be born early. So it's all okay, everyone, don't fret.

The only sort of downside is that after this past appointment we walked out of the office just shy of her putting me on bed rest. She asked a LOT more questions about my job and what I have to do during the day, how many times I get up and have to walk around and how stressful I would consider my job. She told me no extra stuff during the week, just work and home, and she said I could continue to go to church as long as I'm sitting the WHOLE time (this was said with Stern Voice, and Serious Eyes).

I'm so thankful for what incredible insurance we have. Most people's insurance doesn't allow for more than 2 or 3 ultrasounds in the whole pregnancy, I've already had more than that and will continue to rack up a higher number. The one downside on that is that I do have a copay for my ultrasounds. It's nowhere near what an ultrasound would cost out of pocket, no insurance (in fact, from here on out if I carry to term I will pay for approximately one uninsured ultrasound with my copays, and I'm actually receiving 10), but the weekly copay will still mean a budget cut, especially if I have to go on bed rest. And again, this is barely a downside considering that this is also the insurance that is covering my almost $1000/month medication, so I really can't be too upset by it. A while ago I had spoken to a photographer friend of mine, a woman Aaron and I went to college with and her husband. They're incredible, for sure check them out on facebook, Seven Stars Photography. Anyway, she was offering us a really incredible deal on a three session package that would include pregnancy photos, new born photos, and three month photos. As exciting as this prospect was, it just doesn't seem like it would be wise to try and spend the money now with the weekly ultrasounds on the books. Which is disappointing, sure, but what can you do. Baby's health comes first. But good thing the baby isn't a girl, because let's get serious, any daughter of mine would be furious not have her picture taken as many times as humanly possible. Haha.

So that's the news for now. This weekend is a baby shower. Woohoo!! I'm really excited. Is it bad that part of me is most excited for the food? Hehehe.