Resolutions.Goals.Something

So, I don't really believe in New Years Resolutions. They never get kept. And they are more of a joke. I do, however, believe in resolutions on the whole, or goals, or a characteristic wishlist of sorts. I found this post from a while ago. I like my plan of marking off days I hit the mark and days I miss the mark. I don't know what happened to that. I honestly don't think I implemented it a single time. But I am going to start. It seems like a good way to monitor my efforts and make a genuine attempt to improve. And though it's the new year, I have still decided to remind myself of my spiritual, emotional and physical goals I have set for myself, not as NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS, just as things I would like to accomplish and incorporate into my life in the coming months.

My Spiritual Goals:
1. Competitive Nature - I don't know if it's middle child syndrome, my massive abandonment complex, or just general insecurities, but I have this over powering need to be THE BEST...for instance I need to be the prettiest/best kisser/most fun/most loving girl my husband has ever met/known/dated. Or among my friends I need to be the best friend/cook/wife/worker/Christian; I take things in my life that give me joy and I turn them into an unspoken competition with people who don't even know they're playing. It's not good. It's something I am slowly trying to get control over.
2. Attitude/Joyfulness - I know I've brought this up in the past, I have an attitude problem. I have been in the church a long time and know a lot about church life and how it's run, this tends to give me an attitude about my church. People I work with can get catty and mean or inconsiderate, this tends to give me an attitude about work. The Human Race aren't nice, this tends to give me an attitude about people. But mostly, my own bitterness and anger give me the attitude, and I am (and have been) working on that. I used to be filled with such joy. I am working on getting to that place again. It's slow going, but God has been faithful and is changing me.
3. Superiority Complex - This sort of goes hand in hand with my attitude and my need to be THE BEST. It ends up with me thinking I am better than some people. That's not a very Christian attitude so I am working on changing it, on being more humble.
4. Love Issues - No, Aaron and I are not already having problems, but the first year of marriage is generally the hardest - you're learning how to cohabitate with another human being, and no matter how well you know each other, you're never ready. And in my commitment-phobic, anxiety ridden, abandonment complex case, there are already lots of issues to make things hard. Aaron deals with me very well, in fact one of the reasons I love him is because instead of coddling me and falling for my tricks, he makes me deal with the real issue head on. That's so incredibly healthy for us both and has helped me grow a lot. I'm not all the way there, but I'm working on it. And it helps that God gave me the perfect man for the job. :)
5. Discipline/Work Ethic - Fairly self explanatory. I have a pretty decent work ethic, to be honest, but I've let it slip out of my work life by way of various excuses. I am working on it. And discipline in general has never been my strong suit. I'm working on it. Ha.
6. I Want To Be A Spiritual Wife
7. Forgiveness/Forgetness - I do not forget when people wrong me, and because I don't forget I tend to let it affect our current relationship which means I haven't really forgiven. I am working on that as well. I don't think it would be a matter of pride to say that one of my spiritual gifts is discernment. In a secular setting we'd say I was very intuitive. I am able to see through people very easily. Once I have I don't ever let go of that. It's not really what that gift is meant for, but I hold onto people's faults. It's bad.
8. Feeling of Inadequacy - One of the contributing factors to my competitive nature, no doubt. It causes lots of issues pretty much all over. So I'm working on that too. One of the most devastating effects of abuse is that the abused person ends up feeling inadequate in everything, not lovable, not enough for anyone in any way. It's a very difficult feeling to get over. And though I'm better now than probably I have ever been, it doesn't mean it isn't still an issue. So I am working on it.

I'm under no delusions that I will have all of these issues fixed and totally gone by next January, but it's good to recognize what needs work and to start working on it. How else do you grow?

I have some more typical goals set, exercise, eat better, make two home cooked meals a week for my husband, be a better wife/daughter/sister/friend/Christian/employee, but the first three aren't as important as my spiritual goals, and that last one will come from working on my spiritual goals. So. You know.

In other news, I miss springtime.