One Month

Slack. Not that it matters. I don't think. Or I can't tell. One month also I think since I've read any of the blogs I follow. Hmm..

I am very frustrated in this moment. Which will pass into the next and I'll be less frustrated and then the next moment will come and again my frustration will dwindle. So on until I'm not anymore and simply rambling in my blog until I can't remember what about.

Till that moment may I just say:

1. I wish I knew a Christian, married woman in my age bracket who is in a healthy marriage. I have no one to talk to about marriage stuff. It's pitiable.
2. I wish my single friends would be less uptight about being "the single one" and just enjoy friendships and the friendships made through their friends getting married. My husband and his friends are all nice guys. Stop ducking being "the third wheel" - it's not so bad. I promise not to canoodle in front of you.
3. I wish people could clean up their own messes. I want the people that I know to grow up and to do it in a timely manner and to stop dragging everyone else into their crazy, annoying, mixed up life. A laundry list of problems doesn't make you interesting, it makes you a buzzing fly that must be destroyed.

Alright. So. I understand the lack of grace and compassion demonstrated in the last two wishes. I get that most likely the single friend doesn't duck being the third or fifth wheel because they don't like my husband, but mostly because single girls can be lonely and they don't like to be reminded of that loneliness. Once you have it safely tucked into a corner of your mind where it can't be sensed, it takes very little for it to spring out and a whole heck of a lot to put it back in. I get that. And I understand that I should be sensitive to the people around me who have made mistakes, and that I myself am not done growing up and have and will continue to make mistakes, and that I am supposed to love people through those mistakes, not insist they fix them and don't call me till. I get that too. I am just frustrated.

But this helped.

I tell my husband all the time that he's an incredible man. He scoffs. "I know what's in my mind," is his constant response. Like his thoughts are so terrible, like he really is an awful person and not the absolutely amazing man I know him to be. It makes me so mad. But I understand what he means. Peopel tell me all the time that I am so patient. People see and hear my responses to things and say "How can you be so patient in that situation?" To this I am amazed because in that same moment I am being outwardly patient, inside I am screeching: "REALLY???! REALLY?!?!" And making all sort of heinous, sarcastic remarks concerning that persons intelligence, parentage, and personal hygeine. But this, apparently, doesn't show on my face, and I come across and totally placid and patient.

Which begs the question: am I really being patient? If I'm not making the person I'm dealing with feel like they are an inconvenience, and they don't know how frustrated and irritated I feel, is that as good as if I, in my heart, felt the way I acted?

Hopefully this scenario happens less than I think and in reality I am a patient person who occassionally loses her patience and lets her mind slip into cold brutality for a minute before regaining her composure.....

But since I rarely feel bad about those slips, I think it's more likely I just have a good facade.

::sigh::

Still a long ways to go.