I’ve been promising Alyssa a post for a long time, and I had another one that was going to go up, but then some things changed and something else took up all the space in my brain and so I’m writing a new one. This is it.
“Sometimes you have to let people think whatever they want. Their misconception is their problem and vindication isn’t always worth it.” - This is my current Facebook status. It was a really difficult thing to admit to myself, and even more difficult to live out. I am not the type to shy away from defamation of character. I’m pretty friggin awesome, didn’t you know??!
But for real. I handle criticism well, but only when it’s deserved. I know myself pretty well, and trust me when I tell you I know my faults, better than you think I do, and certainly better than anyone else. I wake up with them everyday, I battle them minute by minute, and I’m the one who has to live with the history my faults have created. So I promise you I know them. The really deep, ugly, unflattering ones too. I know them. So when someone criticizes one of my faults, I can usually own it, admit I’ve done whatever they’ve said I’ve done and apologize and promise to work harder at controlling the beast. Recently though, I had someone say, “hey you did this ten years ago and it’s been eating at me since and you are this way and this way and I have decided you’re not worth being friends with.”
Oh boy, how I can’t swallow that.
It is not my job to get you to confront me. There is no statute of limitations on you being angry with me for something I’ve done, but if you don’t tell me I’ve done something to hurt you, I may never know I need to apologize. It’s one thing to be angry at me for an offense, it’s entirely another to be angry at me for not apologizing for that offense when I didn’t realize I did it. If you were speeding and didn’t realize it, it’s still a crime. If, however, the cop doesn’t pull you over or give you a ticket, he can’t pull you into court for not paying the speeding ticket he never gave you. I hope that makes sense.
My other issue with this is that you cannot hold who I am now to who I was ten years ago. I have grown and changed and though there are things I will always battle, I am not the same person I was three years ago, let alone in high school. So often we all fall into the trap of boxing people in. We keep them defined as the person they were when we first met them, or the person they were when we were close to them, or lived near them, or whatever. We box them into a version of themself that most likely they grew out of. It’s not fair. Especially since the changing I’ve done has been all about the grace of God, the very changes I have undergone are a testament to what God has done in my life. Remember the blind man that Jesus healed by spitting in dirt and rubbing it on his eyes? What if, after he was healed and Jesus moved on, the people in the town put a blindfold on him and insisted he live the same life he had before that healing? We mute the grace of God when we don’t give people the chance to show us the new them, their new life.
And last, my pride is still too wild. Because, in my situation, a big part of why I received that kind of letter is insecurity and unhappiness on the part of the sender. And the parts that make that evident also make it evident that Letter Sender has been given some false information. And the worst, absolute WORST part of that is that I can prove it. I have been making myself crazy about this for days now. Absolutely crazy. Letting this go is going to be really difficult, I know that. But I also know that I can’t win. I’m certainly not being defeatist, I am being realistic, and honestly, being compassionate. To gain any kind of vindication here I would have to open cans of worms into other people’s relationships, and though I’d be in the right, and though I’d be telling the truth, it’s not my place to sow that kind of discord. Besides, at the end of the day Letter Sender is going to believe whatever they want about this situation, they are going to believe whatever will make them feel better, and whatever justifies their current life, no matter what I offer them to defend myself. So any fight at all will be an uphill battle, and any win will come at a cost it’s not my right to pay. So I have to let it go. And I have to be okay with that.
At the very least I can take away a few things:
1 - There are people in my life that I have boxed into who they were. I need to make that right.
2 - I need to be more conscious of what I do and say, because although I maintain my innocence in this particular instance, clearly you never know what you might do or say that could hurt the people around you. If you have beef with me please let me know. I deserve the chance to make it right with you, and you deserve an apology.
3 - I never want to do that thing where I take out my unhappiness on someone else by trying to steal their joy. I want to be happy for my friends happiness. If this isn’t how you feel, please let me know. I’m tired of protecting my joy from people who are supposed to bolster it and instead try to tear it down.
Heartbreakingly enough, for me, letting go effectively ends two very important relationships in my life. So, I'm sad. I hate trying to learn something when you're still sad over the educational catalyst.
The Smiths
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Happy New Years Eve
Or at least, that's when I started this post, so instead, since I'm publishing it on Tuesday, Happy Tuesday!
I don't particularly believe in New Years resolutions, mainly I think because it seems like something cheese-tastic and silly that gets done with no real commitment to it. I have goals, like lots of people, and I do use the new year to sort of re-evaluate where I'm at with them and how far I've come or not come. But my goals don't usually change. Actually each year the list probable gets longer because as I work toward correcting one thing something new pops up and must be added, it's like focusing on trying to change one area of character automatically means another area feels unattended to and goes hog wild.
SO my list of goals can be broken down into two categories: 1. specifically spiritual, and 2. daily functional. Because yeah, I'd like to lose 20 lbs by my birthday or be more organized, but those things don't change my heart or my spiritual state. And without setting spiritual goals for ourselves we get stagnant or just end up going in circles. So here are my goals:
SPECIFICALLY SPIRITUAL:
1. Discipline - This one is pretty self explanatory, and usually ends up as like #4 or 5 like "Oh yeah, I need to be more disciplined" but as I was compiling my list this year I thought about how if I am more disciplined it will be a starting point for me to be strengthened in most of my other goals. So I gave it top billing. Kind of a "if you build it they will come" kind of thing.
2. Competitive nature - This doesn't mean what you think it means. It's complicated. There are certain people with whom I am in some sort of weird competition. It's not everyone and it's not all the time, but there is this very strange superiority complex part of me that compares my life or job or attitude or church involvement or whatever to someone else. It's honestly not about making myself look or feel good, I think it's more about reassuring myself that that person is not as good as everyone else thinks, and though other people may be duped, I'm not. That's not even a good explanation. I know that makes me sound like a horrible person but at least I know that I do this and am trying to work on it. We all have faults, man.
3. Joyfulness/Bad attitude - Sometimes joy is hard for me. A big part of that is my job. That's not an excuse, it's actually part of the goal. I work in a pretty stressful, not fun environment and for the last almost 4 years it has certainly sucked my joy. And the thing is that I know that my job is a place where I need to retain that joy the most since almost all of my other environments are with Christian people in Christian places, and my job is a place where I should be a light. But the fact that I can get so bogged down and let it fester just totally changes my disposition at work and completely makes me unproductive as a Christian in this unChristian world. Truthfully, it can eek out into other areas of my life and it's something I need to control.
4. Tithing/Money management - I don't totally suck here. But I'm certainly not as compliant slash attentive as I should be. For the last couple years I have probably been the most responsible I have ever been where money is concerned and I really like that I'm developing that skill. But I need to take it further. Being better doesn't mean being awesome at it, it's just better than being terrible at it.
5. Pray without ceasing/Read or Meditate on the Word daily - Again, pretty easy to get.
FUNCTIONAL GOALS:
1. Exercise (in some way), every day - I like fun exercise. Climbing trees, playing at the park, going swimming. It's easier for me to exercise when it's something other than a treadmill or stair climber, though I do want to incorporate that.
2. Make an effort to eat healthy - I know that this sounds pretty blah as far as goals go, but it's not. My meals during the week are pretty regulated. I love LOVE healthy cereal and oatmeal so I always eat that for breakfast, my lunch is whatever is for lunch at work that day and because I work in a nursing home, that means the lunch is automatically portion and calorie controlled. Then dinner and evening snack on my own, but I do okay. That's how it is NOW. Post baby I won't be at work so I will lose that structure and that automatically controlled lunch. Plus I'll be home all day....bored munching is never good. So this is more of a upcoming goal than a current behavior changing goal.
3. Make one home cooked meal a week - I'm not talking hamburger helper (though I love it), or spaghetti because those are things that are relatively easy. I'm saying once a week I'd like to make something from scratch-ish that takes effort and a little time. This might sound again like a dull goal, but truthfully I really enjoy cooking, and I want to make sure I keep it as part of my life. I know baby will make things complicated, so this is a flexible goal, but I want to keep it as an official goal so that I try to honor it.
4. Be less cluttered/Live more simply - I know any current moms reading this are laughing at all my practical goals, and probably collapsed laughing at this one. But I need this goal. I'm a pretty cluttered person in general. I'm working right now at uncluttering (I did the upstairs last weekend and it went like gangbusters!!!) and I need to maintain that mindset. I'm not saying have my home spic and span all the time, I'm just saying don't keep crap I don't use/need and don't let stuff just pile up because I don't know what to do with it.
So. Those are my goals. :)
I don't particularly believe in New Years resolutions, mainly I think because it seems like something cheese-tastic and silly that gets done with no real commitment to it. I have goals, like lots of people, and I do use the new year to sort of re-evaluate where I'm at with them and how far I've come or not come. But my goals don't usually change. Actually each year the list probable gets longer because as I work toward correcting one thing something new pops up and must be added, it's like focusing on trying to change one area of character automatically means another area feels unattended to and goes hog wild.
SO my list of goals can be broken down into two categories: 1. specifically spiritual, and 2. daily functional. Because yeah, I'd like to lose 20 lbs by my birthday or be more organized, but those things don't change my heart or my spiritual state. And without setting spiritual goals for ourselves we get stagnant or just end up going in circles. So here are my goals:
SPECIFICALLY SPIRITUAL:
1. Discipline - This one is pretty self explanatory, and usually ends up as like #4 or 5 like "Oh yeah, I need to be more disciplined" but as I was compiling my list this year I thought about how if I am more disciplined it will be a starting point for me to be strengthened in most of my other goals. So I gave it top billing. Kind of a "if you build it they will come" kind of thing.
2. Competitive nature - This doesn't mean what you think it means. It's complicated. There are certain people with whom I am in some sort of weird competition. It's not everyone and it's not all the time, but there is this very strange superiority complex part of me that compares my life or job or attitude or church involvement or whatever to someone else. It's honestly not about making myself look or feel good, I think it's more about reassuring myself that that person is not as good as everyone else thinks, and though other people may be duped, I'm not. That's not even a good explanation. I know that makes me sound like a horrible person but at least I know that I do this and am trying to work on it. We all have faults, man.
3. Joyfulness/Bad attitude - Sometimes joy is hard for me. A big part of that is my job. That's not an excuse, it's actually part of the goal. I work in a pretty stressful, not fun environment and for the last almost 4 years it has certainly sucked my joy. And the thing is that I know that my job is a place where I need to retain that joy the most since almost all of my other environments are with Christian people in Christian places, and my job is a place where I should be a light. But the fact that I can get so bogged down and let it fester just totally changes my disposition at work and completely makes me unproductive as a Christian in this unChristian world. Truthfully, it can eek out into other areas of my life and it's something I need to control.
4. Tithing/Money management - I don't totally suck here. But I'm certainly not as compliant slash attentive as I should be. For the last couple years I have probably been the most responsible I have ever been where money is concerned and I really like that I'm developing that skill. But I need to take it further. Being better doesn't mean being awesome at it, it's just better than being terrible at it.
5. Pray without ceasing/Read or Meditate on the Word daily - Again, pretty easy to get.
FUNCTIONAL GOALS:
1. Exercise (in some way), every day - I like fun exercise. Climbing trees, playing at the park, going swimming. It's easier for me to exercise when it's something other than a treadmill or stair climber, though I do want to incorporate that.
2. Make an effort to eat healthy - I know that this sounds pretty blah as far as goals go, but it's not. My meals during the week are pretty regulated. I love LOVE healthy cereal and oatmeal so I always eat that for breakfast, my lunch is whatever is for lunch at work that day and because I work in a nursing home, that means the lunch is automatically portion and calorie controlled. Then dinner and evening snack on my own, but I do okay. That's how it is NOW. Post baby I won't be at work so I will lose that structure and that automatically controlled lunch. Plus I'll be home all day....bored munching is never good. So this is more of a upcoming goal than a current behavior changing goal.
3. Make one home cooked meal a week - I'm not talking hamburger helper (though I love it), or spaghetti because those are things that are relatively easy. I'm saying once a week I'd like to make something from scratch-ish that takes effort and a little time. This might sound again like a dull goal, but truthfully I really enjoy cooking, and I want to make sure I keep it as part of my life. I know baby will make things complicated, so this is a flexible goal, but I want to keep it as an official goal so that I try to honor it.
4. Be less cluttered/Live more simply - I know any current moms reading this are laughing at all my practical goals, and probably collapsed laughing at this one. But I need this goal. I'm a pretty cluttered person in general. I'm working right now at uncluttering (I did the upstairs last weekend and it went like gangbusters!!!) and I need to maintain that mindset. I'm not saying have my home spic and span all the time, I'm just saying don't keep crap I don't use/need and don't let stuff just pile up because I don't know what to do with it.
So. Those are my goals. :)
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
**UPDATE**
Honestly I thought my next update would be more New Years slash my goals oriented, but then I realized I hadn't really explained the latest on the baby stuff. SO.
It's not preeclampsia. Well, not yet anyway. Despite the highest blood pressure yet, the doctor said that all the tests came back good and showed no signs of preeclampsia or the damage it can cause, she said that this means the high blood pressure is just hypertension. I kind of breathed a sigh of relief and said good. The doctor looked at me. So I said "Not good?" and she said "Essentially the same thing." (Uhm. Why do you have different names for it if it's the same thing?) She told us that hypertension is pre-preeclampsia and that if I was having blood pressure issues that early on (at that time I was about 21 weeks) then I would most likely become preeclampsic during the course of my pregnancy and would probably end up on bed rest. Awesome. So since that appointment I have been taking my blood pressure three times a day (with this fancy little wrist devise) and sticking to the regimen of baby aspirin and lovenox. Over the last two weeks my blood pressure has only spiked as high as at the doctors once, but otherwise it's stayed relatively calm. Not good but not worse. Yesterday was another doctors appointment (due to all this fun stuff I'm in every two weeks now) and the doctor told us that although my blood pressure is still higher than it should be it's not high enough that she feels like medication is necessary. I'm supposed to keep monitoring everything and until things get worse we're in a holding patten. She reiterated that I will most likely end up on bed rest before the end of the pregnancy and told me that I should talk with my boss now and let her know that this is coming, she also told me that I should be doing no overtime at work (gee, that's sad). Today I go back in real quick for an ultrasound, I don't totally know why she didn't just do it yesterday....regardless she said that with high blood pressure it's really important to watch that the baby is developing normally since these issues can often lead to underdevelopment, size wise. I'm excited because we haven't seen the baby since 19 weeks and now I am 24...I expect like a little face to be making googley eyes at me!! :)
I'll post the picture tomorrow so you can all see him too!
In other brief and succinct news: People have been so sweet and generous. One of my youth group girls bought me a Linus blanket, like from Peanuts. It's so soft and adorable. And my Aunt Cathy made a blanket that has a little hood on it and it too is SOOOOO soft and adorable. And a girl at my work wants to give me her bouncy chair. Apparently her babies didn't really dig it and so it never got used. Woohoo!!
Also, this Saturday is my first free day since before Christmas. No obligations, no people, no distractions. So I am planning some major overhaul. I really hope I live up to the expectation of productivity I am setting up....it's just that if I do end up on bed rest it will make me crazy that I didn't get the cleaning/purging done that I want to do. I have a feeling I will not be very good at bed rest...I'm not the most medically compliant person.....
Anyway. I am being positive and hopeful and thinking that maybe I just don't even have to end up doing bed rest or early inducing or any of that stuff. Hopeful or naive?
It's not preeclampsia. Well, not yet anyway. Despite the highest blood pressure yet, the doctor said that all the tests came back good and showed no signs of preeclampsia or the damage it can cause, she said that this means the high blood pressure is just hypertension. I kind of breathed a sigh of relief and said good. The doctor looked at me. So I said "Not good?" and she said "Essentially the same thing." (Uhm. Why do you have different names for it if it's the same thing?) She told us that hypertension is pre-preeclampsia and that if I was having blood pressure issues that early on (at that time I was about 21 weeks) then I would most likely become preeclampsic during the course of my pregnancy and would probably end up on bed rest. Awesome. So since that appointment I have been taking my blood pressure three times a day (with this fancy little wrist devise) and sticking to the regimen of baby aspirin and lovenox. Over the last two weeks my blood pressure has only spiked as high as at the doctors once, but otherwise it's stayed relatively calm. Not good but not worse. Yesterday was another doctors appointment (due to all this fun stuff I'm in every two weeks now) and the doctor told us that although my blood pressure is still higher than it should be it's not high enough that she feels like medication is necessary. I'm supposed to keep monitoring everything and until things get worse we're in a holding patten. She reiterated that I will most likely end up on bed rest before the end of the pregnancy and told me that I should talk with my boss now and let her know that this is coming, she also told me that I should be doing no overtime at work (gee, that's sad). Today I go back in real quick for an ultrasound, I don't totally know why she didn't just do it yesterday....regardless she said that with high blood pressure it's really important to watch that the baby is developing normally since these issues can often lead to underdevelopment, size wise. I'm excited because we haven't seen the baby since 19 weeks and now I am 24...I expect like a little face to be making googley eyes at me!! :)
I'll post the picture tomorrow so you can all see him too!
In other brief and succinct news: People have been so sweet and generous. One of my youth group girls bought me a Linus blanket, like from Peanuts. It's so soft and adorable. And my Aunt Cathy made a blanket that has a little hood on it and it too is SOOOOO soft and adorable. And a girl at my work wants to give me her bouncy chair. Apparently her babies didn't really dig it and so it never got used. Woohoo!!
Also, this Saturday is my first free day since before Christmas. No obligations, no people, no distractions. So I am planning some major overhaul. I really hope I live up to the expectation of productivity I am setting up....it's just that if I do end up on bed rest it will make me crazy that I didn't get the cleaning/purging done that I want to do. I have a feeling I will not be very good at bed rest...I'm not the most medically compliant person.....
Anyway. I am being positive and hopeful and thinking that maybe I just don't even have to end up doing bed rest or early inducing or any of that stuff. Hopeful or naive?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)