Yesterday

For many hours yesterday morning and again a few hours last night there were many police officers and vehicles here, making a lot of clomping up and down stairs noise. I won't go into details (partly cause I don't have many) but the bottom line is that one of our upstairs neighbors passed away between Saturday night and Sunday morning. He was a young man, a few years younger than me, and he had a very sweet little son that stayed with him sometimes. I would see them come and go (our patio door faces the parking lot and we see everyone come and go) and exchanged hellos in the hallway once or twice. He struck me as someone very lost, and I always wished there would be a moment, maybe facilitated by our kids, that I could talk to him about the Lord, invite him to bring his son to the awesome kid's ministry at The Chapel. Plant seeds. But there wasn't. And now I honestly am wracked with regret that I waited for an opportunity instead of created one. He died. He's gone. That chance is gone forever and one day I will have to account for why I didn't share the Lord with him in any small way, let alone a big way. And it's not me who suffers, it's him. And maybe it's the hell study my home group is doing right now that has brought it so poignantly to the forefront of my mind, but I cannot think about anything else than the reality that he is very likely in hell.

I'm not great at random evangelism. I'm not great at seizing moments with strangers. But today, more than ever in my life, I feel like that is not an excuse. At least not a good one. I failed this person who lived a few stairs away from me. And I would like to not do that again. Yesterday sort of a wake up call and challenge to me. Not to speak to every single person who I pass by randomly, shouting "Let me tell you about Jesus!!!!" but to make opportunities instead of wait for them, be more aware of the peripheral people in my life, and most of all, to remember the urgency of the matter. There's no guarantee you'll get the moment tomorrow, plant the seed today.

Remember that we are all given endless opportunities to plant seeds, build relationships, and grow the Kingdom every single day. And it's completely on us if we take advantage of that or not, and someday we will all have to explain why we let some of those opportunities pass by.

Real Men Make Crustless Finger Sandwiches

This will be brief and to the point:

Praise God for real men!!!

I have such an amazing, strong, caring husband, who I take for granted waaaaay too often.

Gabe is sick and yesterday, in the sweltering 95 degree heat, I woke up with a 102 temperature. My husband stayed home from work and took care of sick baby and sick me all day. He also spent the afternoon making my snack menu for our Bible study. He made crustless cucumber finger sandwiches, turkey pinwheels, and sugar cookies. All I could think all day was how thankful I was that I have such a wonderful husband, and how cute it was watching that manly man delicately cut off the crusts of tea sandwiches. Haha.

I know that my husband is not the only man like this, I know there are many blessed women out there, I'm just thankful to be among them.

Sadly my incredible man aided me to his own detriment, the poor boy has my fever and chills today!

At least now I get a chance to make him thankful for me. Hehe. =)

Darling

This is from about a week ago:

We didn't want this baby. We have an 11 month old and we weren't ready for another one. I'm terrible at taking my pill and realized I was pregnant right away. We freaked out for a good 2 days. Then we took some deep breaths, thanked God we hadn't thrown away the infant car seat, and started making plans. Hubs had been referring to this pregnancy as a "she" from the go, I called her Clementine and teased him that's what I would name her. We talked about moving, made plans to visit his family before the new baby was born (cross country travel with two kids under 2, no thanks), and we bought our son a "big brother" tshirt. At 6 weeks, after a visit to the park with my son, I started to feel sick, then cramping, and after two hours of telling my husband that we would go to the doctor in a little while, my shoulder started to hurt. With Gabe I got the "watch for shoulder pain" warning with every doctors visit. We got to the ER at 5:30, I got into surgery at 8:30, out at 11, and admitted to the hospital at midnight.
It's been a week and a few days.
I feel fine. I feel guilty for feeling fine. I'm relieved we're not going to have 2 kids under 2, or have to move. I feel like that relief is why my body did this. I feel like I'm handling things well. I started crying in the party store yesterday, while shopping for supplies for Gabe's birthday, I came across a display of princess birthday products. A friend let me hold her 3 week old baby today and I honestly thought I was going to pass out, but couldn't stop smiling. This baby was barely a part of our lives. We weren't desperate for a child or even trying. But it's still sad. Although, I'm young, I have every chance of having another healthy pregnancy and baby, and this is my only lost pregnancy, so I am more fortunate than a lot of the women. But I wanted my son to wear his "big brother" shirt. But I wasn't ready for another baby. But I have dreams of a little girl with curls like mine and my husbands smile. But we're just now regaining some freedom after having our first. But but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but
I don't really have a question. I don't know why I'm posting. Other than that I hate to talk it out to people because I am intensely private about my emotions, and don't like to cry in front of other people because I don't like feel out of control in front of people. And so sitting here behind my computer screen, sobbing, I can cry, but be in control. I can vent without feeling like the people in my every day life will look at me with that really well meaning but incredibly irritating "aw, you poor thing" look. Because as well meaning as it is, that look doesn't help. I have to move on, I have to keep my life going, and I can't do that if every time I turn around someone is offering me the opportunity to fall apart.

The end.