Darling

This is from about a week ago:

We didn't want this baby. We have an 11 month old and we weren't ready for another one. I'm terrible at taking my pill and realized I was pregnant right away. We freaked out for a good 2 days. Then we took some deep breaths, thanked God we hadn't thrown away the infant car seat, and started making plans. Hubs had been referring to this pregnancy as a "she" from the go, I called her Clementine and teased him that's what I would name her. We talked about moving, made plans to visit his family before the new baby was born (cross country travel with two kids under 2, no thanks), and we bought our son a "big brother" tshirt. At 6 weeks, after a visit to the park with my son, I started to feel sick, then cramping, and after two hours of telling my husband that we would go to the doctor in a little while, my shoulder started to hurt. With Gabe I got the "watch for shoulder pain" warning with every doctors visit. We got to the ER at 5:30, I got into surgery at 8:30, out at 11, and admitted to the hospital at midnight.
It's been a week and a few days.
I feel fine. I feel guilty for feeling fine. I'm relieved we're not going to have 2 kids under 2, or have to move. I feel like that relief is why my body did this. I feel like I'm handling things well. I started crying in the party store yesterday, while shopping for supplies for Gabe's birthday, I came across a display of princess birthday products. A friend let me hold her 3 week old baby today and I honestly thought I was going to pass out, but couldn't stop smiling. This baby was barely a part of our lives. We weren't desperate for a child or even trying. But it's still sad. Although, I'm young, I have every chance of having another healthy pregnancy and baby, and this is my only lost pregnancy, so I am more fortunate than a lot of the women. But I wanted my son to wear his "big brother" shirt. But I wasn't ready for another baby. But I have dreams of a little girl with curls like mine and my husbands smile. But we're just now regaining some freedom after having our first. But but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but
I don't really have a question. I don't know why I'm posting. Other than that I hate to talk it out to people because I am intensely private about my emotions, and don't like to cry in front of other people because I don't like feel out of control in front of people. And so sitting here behind my computer screen, sobbing, I can cry, but be in control. I can vent without feeling like the people in my every day life will look at me with that really well meaning but incredibly irritating "aw, you poor thing" look. Because as well meaning as it is, that look doesn't help. I have to move on, I have to keep my life going, and I can't do that if every time I turn around someone is offering me the opportunity to fall apart.

The end.

Winter Came Late

Briefly:

- We went to Cali
- Christmas was wonderful
- My kid is incredible
- I am so blessed

Which leads me to my point. I've spent the last few days in Lake Geneva with Aaron as he spoke at a kids winter camp. It has made me think about how incredible my life is. Not to boast, I just am honestly blown away by how blessed I am to have such an amazing baby who is so well tempered and to have a husband with a heart to serve the Lord and honor Him and be a part of raising new generations with those same desires. I need to be more thankful in my day to day life for those blessings that I take for granted.

And that is all.

My Christmas List

I'm an adult, but there is still no shame in knowing what my heart desires for Christmas! Besides, making a Christmas wishlist is a nice way to window shop! Though I have realized I have kind of expensive taste, haha. Which is why this is only a wishlist. But here it is anyway:

Blue Topaz Earrings  - Because I think they're beautiful!

Green Amethyst Earrings  - Because I realized that mint green amethysts may be my favorite gemstone.

Aquamarine Earrings  - I like earrings okay!??!

I Am Loved Ring  - I love this whole collection of jewelry but I especially love this ring

I Am Loved Pendant  - Again, I love this collection.

Hello Kitty Headband  - Don't mock me.

Cupcake Jammies!!  - I mean, obviously I like these.

And then there is a whole slew of Tiffany's jewelry because isn't it every girl's dream to own some Tiffany jewelry?
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But like I said, these are all just the most frivolous wishes I have. Honestly the thing I want most this year is lame. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am pretty into tradition and sentimentality (to be honest that's what makes me love most of that jewelry, it's sentimental stuff). My tendency toward these things has only been heightened with motherhood. This is only Aaron and my second Christmas married, and it's Gabe's first Christmas. So this year, my biggest wish is to have a perfect Christmas. I want to dress up for a candlelight Christmas Eve service and then have Christmas cookies in front of our fireplace while opening gifts and leave cookies for Santa and celery for the reindeer and a big breakfast on Christmas morning and to be around every single one of my family members (extended and all) at the same time for a meal and gifts and snacking and lots of laughing. I don't even care that he won't remember it! This might sound intense or unrealistic but this is actually how all of my Christmases as a child went (minus the Santa stuff). So I know it's doable. And now as an adult I look back on those Christmases where I got to see both sides of my extended family and be around all my cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and parents and brothers and I cherish it. Not because I'm sentimental or because I love traditions, but because it was the best possible way to spend Christmas. And more than anything this year my Christmas wish would be to have another Christmas like that, in fact it would be to have all of my Christmases like that so that my son can grow up knowing the same joy and excitement I did. The kind of joy and excitement that only comes from spending time with people you genuinely love and enjoy. The kind of excitement no wrapped gift can create. And to be honest it breaks my heart a little (or a lot) that for at least the foreseeable future he will miss out on that.

Gosh. I honestly didn't start this depressed....whoops...haha.

My prayer this Christmas is that God shows Aaron and I how to create the best possible Christmas for our little family so that when my son is an adult he looks back and feels the same way about his childhood holidays that I do about mine.